Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
