I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
