Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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