I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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