Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Text me some of your sweat
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