I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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