Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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