Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Randomize
