I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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