I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
