That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
