How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
