You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
