Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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