there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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