if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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