I am midnight drunk by noon
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
