why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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