I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
