he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
