Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
