God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
