I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
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