dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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