I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
