i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
