My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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