"it" just moved
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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