I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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