This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
