onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
