Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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