Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
