he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
