I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
