Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
