It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
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I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
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I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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