I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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