I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I wish they made helmets for livers.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
