So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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