dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
