We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
