Do you still have your period?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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