I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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