My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i will never coherently bang her
Come see our sink grown plant.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
