i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
