I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
My breath smells like gin and sadness
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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