I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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