Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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