you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
