I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I wear drunk well.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
