if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
