If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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