Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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