Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
