shes about as inviting as chlamydia
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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