DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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