I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
