i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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