I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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