Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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